Well, it’s been a while since my last report, and the chance of a free night came up on Boxing Day, so not being one to waste an opportunity I decided the time was right for a little walkabout to see whether the PAD really had decimated Pattaya’s High Season and where better to judge that than a cruise around Walking Street.

I had intended to pop into Club Blu in Soi Buakhao on my way down, but the place looked pretty darn busy, in fact too darn busy for my liking and this was only 8:30 p.m., so I gave it a miss.

I have to say that Soi Buakhao was heaving with humanity, every bar and Restaurant seemed to be busy, and everyone seemed to be having a roaring time, admittedly many were glued to the gogglebox which was showing some sort of contest consisting of twenty two hairy arsed chaps squabbling over a round ball, and regularly falling to the ground as if shot by Dirty Harry and his .44 Magnum, but generally all was well with the Pattaya High Season World, or at least the Soi Buakhao part of it.

In the Bleak Midwinter

I cut through Soi Diana and made my way through the crowds on Second Road, and made the decision to pop into Las Vegas A Go-Go situated on Soi Yamato for my first visitation. When this Bar was situated on Soi Post Office it was a regular stop off place for me and my friends during a good weekend daytime pub crawl, had many a good time there, and bedded some fairly decent girls there over the years, and the owner Peter came up with a classic retort one day that sticks in my mind even now, I has chastened him for his girls lack of enthusiasm on the dance floor, and he said My girls are here to get fucked, not to dance, and you can’t argue with that logic can you? Sadly, the in new place the girls showed a similar lack of enthusiasm, and I couldn’t see even one girl in the worth playing with.

As for the Bar, well it certainly appeared smaller than the original place, although a little bit classier in terms of décor, the old place was fairly basic if my memory serves me well, I would have loved to have posed the same question to Peter about the dancers, but he was away in the States enjoying a Christmas Break, so I downed my 90 baht bottle of Heineken as quickly as my oesophagus would allow and legged it to the door. I will give the place another try in the New Year, if only in deference to Peter and his unique style of man (woman) management.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

And so onwards to Walking Street, but before that of course I feel I must make some comment about Beach Road, or the Coconut Bar as it is affectionately known amongst mongers, I have never seen the place packed with so many Freelancers in all my time here, one presupposes that the regular ‘crackdowns’ on the Beach Road crews have recently become slightly less regular? Frankly, walking the gauntlet last night was fairly imposing, there were girls there of all shapes, sizes, ages and genders, ranging from sub 40 kilo spinners to 60 kilo plus granny’s all searching for Mr. Right, or a least Mr. Alright for the Night. It takes all sorts to make liquorice, as my Father once sagely told me, and he was right enough, and he had never even been to Pattaya Beach Road of a High Season, some stunners there for sure, along with the ‘fuglies’, each to his own I guess, I personally have never indulged in a Coconut Bar Freelancer, but there certainly was some tempting morsels there last night.

A special mention must also be made of the impressive Christmas Lighting display at the Beach Road end of the Royal Garden Plaza, during the day it doesn’t look much, but once darkness falls, it’s lit up, like err, well, a Christmas Tree I suppose!

Winter Wonderland

Continuing my perambulations onwards into Walking Street, passing through the hideous edifice that passes as the new Korean funded Walking Street entrance sign, it was my intention to go to the Air Port Club, as there are a couple of ‘Greeter’ girls there that are to die for, but the whole of that section appeared to be in the grip of a power outage, so I decided to give it a miss and call back in later.

I then made my mind up to visit a place rarely mention in these annals, or indeed any other Pattaya blogs, the Polo Entertainment Lounge. My reason for doing so was I had read a submission from the ubiquitous ‘Dana’, most people that have read any Thailand websites or blogs would probably be aware of his unique insights of life in the Land of Smiles, on Thailand Stories where he had described a night out there, and I made myself a promise to revisit the place in light of his submission.

Bounding enthusiastically up the stairway, and being sure to avoid letting myself get sideswiped into the Galaxy European style clip joint next door, I entered into a packed auditorium and was led to a table close to the stage.

The first thing I noticed was that to my surprise it was not completely filled with Asian coach tour parties, yes, they were a presence in there, but I would say it was 50/50 Asian/Caucasian crowd in there on Friday night. I ordered my bottle of Heineken in the full knowledge that I would be charged like a wounded rhinoceros, after all it is a Show Bar as opposed to a Go-Go Bar, and sure enough it was 120 baht, frankly not too bad after all.

I was joined by a rather comely wench who slid in next to me, and a drink for the lady was 140 baht, again no more than I had expected, and she was good company for the duration of my stay. The lovely lady in question went by the simplistic moniker of ‘A’, 27 years old and from Bangkok, but I got to wondering whether or not it would be possible to screw your way through the entire alphabet of Thai ladies? You may have some difficulty with a couple of the consonants mind, but it gives a whole new meaning to ‘I’ll have four from the top and two from the bottom please Carol”, doesn’t it?

What of the shows I hear you ask? Well, on another Forum yesterday there was a topic about ‘Theme’ Go-Go Bars, and to that poster I say, get yourself up to Polo, there are some very pretty indeed girls up there dancing, and indeed hostessing in the place, plenty of lingerie on display, topless and indeed fully naked shows, and one I saw with a little bit of latex clad pseudo bondage and whipping in it, I was sorely tempted to get up there on stage when they were looking for volunteers to dish out a little ‘punishment’, but my newly acquired best friend was keeping me busily occupied with some social intercourse, so I sadly declined the offer, though I did get my comeuppance when they came off the stage and mingled with the audience, ouch! I can not say if the shows get a little raunchier later in the evening, but for simple ‘totty’ laden entertainment, I would say it is worth a look.

Angels from the Realms of Glory

Well, after exiting Polo, it was back up to the Air Port Club which thankfully had power restored and looking forward to hopefully spending some time with the future Mrs. Materialsman#3, and do you know what, she was on the door looking as delectable as always, and I bottled it! Like a shy fourteen year old with a schoolboy crush I completely failed to say anything to her as I walked by, my mouth opened and nothing came out, and rather than stand there like a gibbering idiot I walked straight into the Bar without making contact. In my dreams it certainly hadn’t panned out like that, in my mind I, the Alpha male was going to sweep her off her feet and impress her with my rugged good looks and witty repartee.

In reality I was stuck in the only available space in the Club, well away from the bathtub and Jacuzzi action, and right under a speaker close to the Club entrance, nursing my 120 baht bottle of Heineken and wondering whether I could get one of the other service girls to pass her a ‘note from a friend’ professing my undying love for her. Fortunately Dutch courage in the form of a couple more bottles of the green stuff enabled me to pluck up the courage to get one of the other girls to drag her in for a lady drink.

Regular mongers will be aware of the apparel worn by the service girls here, and the even skimpier uniforms worn by the door girls, two of which, as I mentioned earlier, are to die for, and as it transpired I ended up sitting with both of them for a good while. I shan’t go into details, but the object of my desire was every bit as fun and cute as she has appeared in my dreams and now that contact has been established, I will certainly be returning once the Christmas and New Year Bar Fine wallet gouging levels are over, so, like a News of the World reporter, after really enjoying the company, I made my excuses and left.

I have no real recollection of the price of lady drinks due to my euphoric state, but my check bin was a few baht short of a ‘non counterfeit’ 1000 baht note, money well spent in my honest opinion. I know some of you more hardened mongers out there would chide me for not just paying the bar fine for her and fulfilling my erotic dreams of her, but I’m afraid I am just an old fashioned romantic at heart, and like to imagine the ‘illusion’ of some kind of girlfriend experience rather than just a quick ‘wham bam, thank you mam’ session, particularly with girls who, at least in my fervoured imagination exude a little bit more class. I have always lived by the mantra ‘speculate to accumulate’, it doesn’t always pay off, but I enjoy the chase so much more than the conquest, I was never really comfortable with the Soi 6, or Body Massage style of ‘dine and dash’ entertainment, although of course I have forced myself to go through with it on many an occasion, purely in the interest of research you’ll understand!

Ding Dong Merrily on High

Time was waiting in the wings, and speaking senseless things, and I was running a little late due to the amount of time spent blissfully in the above Air Port Club, it had been my intention to pay another visit to Baby Dolls, as I had a rip roaring old time in there a few weeks earlier in the company a couple of French guys on their first trip to Pattaya, and I enjoy nothing more than watching naked young girls do unspeakably inhuman things to the humble banana, but I had also promised myself a visit to Heaven Above, always one of my favourite Pattaya spots, and one that recently had come in for a little criticism on another Pattaya Forum, so Baby Dolls would have to wait, plus the owner of Heaven Above had promised me a free beer for pointing him in the right direction for purchasing Beer Lao, so the Cheap Charlie in me kicked in and it was up those familiar steps to Heaven.

Again the Bar was busy, all three of the places I had visited in Walking Street were pretty much standing room only, I think my Heineken was again 120 baht, could have been 110, not really sure, but it doesn’t make Polo as outrageously expensive as I thought it was. I asked for the ‘Boss’ in order to introduce myself and claim my free beer, sadly he was unavailable so that option was gone for a Burton!

I did however have a brief chat with the Manager, an affable enough young Aussie chap, who was desperately trying to sell me on the idea of purchasing a special discount drink card for the minimal sum of 850 Baht, which was guaranteed to eventually save me money on my drinks. Sorry, I’m sure it is a good deal but not one I am going to go for while out having a good time and in a fairly incapacitated state, seemed a bit like a Time Share sort of deal, and I have nothing to do with them, well not unless it is one of the more attractive girls on Beach and Second Road that engages me, I prefer to pay upfront for my drinks with the type of vouchers I draw from the ATM’s.

As for the eye candy on view, well again recently there has been criticism of the line up, but I have to say I thought there were some stunners on show, whether or not they have pussies made of gold that pee pure Pinot Noir, and a stuck up attitude to match, I can’t really say, they certainly seemed friendly enough to my advances, and when I walked out of the club at around midnight there were fifteen very attractive hard bodied girls lined up totally buck naked on stage, and more circling the stage, what’s wrong with that scenario, I mean what more could you desire? The service staff were attentive, and some comely wenches amongst them too, the only downside of my time there were the two outbreaks of ‘ping pong’ disease, one of my pet hates in the Go-Go’s and one which I have remarked on before, so I won’t go over old ground, suffice to say I would have had a word in the shell like of the chap throwing his balls around, but he was a good foot taller than me and a wee bit broader, and I’m six foot tall and 100 kilos, so discretion was the order of the day.

I sincerely hope he had a large bladder to match, as going for a pee in Heaven’s Above can be a considerable challenge to the ‘larger boned’ amongst us. I voted with my feet, although in truth it was time for ‘stumps up’ anyway. All in all, still one of the top go-go’s in Pattaya with some stunning girls, in my humble opinion.

Well, it was time for me to stumble off home, as materialsman has to earn a crust doing a proper job, but to recap, Pattaya was as busy as normal during this particular night, at least in the Bars I saw and visited, with many people milling about on the streets, it could drop off very quickly after next week, we shall see, I will take another trip out early next year.

And of course, to finish with a Seasonal musical interlude, I give you:-

The Pattaya Christmas Song

Crickets roasting on an open fire,
Soi dogs nipping at your toes,
Yuletide carols being sung by Ladyboys,
And girls dressed up like Santa’s Ho’s.

Everybody knows Heineken and Johnny Black,
Help to make the season bright.
Yaa Baa’d babes with their eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Santa's on his way;
He's loaded lots of lube and Viagra on his sleigh.
And every mother's child is going to spy,
To see if fa-langs really know how to fly.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To mongers, twenty one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
A very Merry Pattaya Christmas to you

Until next time we meet, Happy New Year to both my readers!

Pattaya authorities are scaling down their ambitious public transport plans to something a little less expensive and a little more 'appropriate' to Pattaya.

The specially designed Tri-shaws will soon be hitting the sois of Pattaya.

The bikes were designed by a Finnish artist, Mimosa Pale, who feels the world is too man-parts-centric. 

Pattaya

Greetings fellow Pattaya and Thai-Anxiety lovers, before I go on to last night’s action, just a post script to my previous report where I left my wingman snuggled up on a couch in Saigon Girl with two cuddly warm ladies. True to form, it wasn’t long before he was upstairs with both ladies and enjoying some close encounters of the Soi 6 kind. When posed the question ‘what you like?’ by one of the girls, he was feeling a little tired and emotional so professed to a preference for a ‘hand job’ by two ladies together, ‘Ah, you wanker’ she cried, to which he retorted ‘Ah, you slut’, but luckily the linguistic misunderstanding was sorted out before an International incident occurred, and ‘entente cordial’ quickly resumed between England and Thailand. He tells me he had a fabulous time up there kneeling over two ladies pleasuring him both manually and orally, and it wasn’t too long before they both received the full benefit of his months of abstinence, luckily for him, he is not responsible for either the laundry bill or the girls shampoo bill at Saigon Girl as I believe the scene was a little messy. Damn, I forgot to ask him whether he made the girls keep their little red hats on!

Isaan Princess

On to last evening’s entertainment, we kicked off with another splendid meal at Patrick’s Belgian Restaurant opposite the back of Mike’s Mall, consistently had good meals there over the years, and last night was no exception, steak in a Roquefort blue cheese sauce, followed by a plate of heavenly profiteroles.

Isaan Princess (kudos to Frank Zappa) I want a nasty little Isaan Princess With long phony nails and a hairdo that rinses A horny little Isaan Princess With a garlic aroma that could level Pattaya Lonely inside Well, she can swallow my pride I want a hairless little Isaan Princess With a brand new nose, who knows where it goes I want a steamy little Isaan Princess With over-worked gums, who squeaks when she cums I don't want no troll I just want a Sisaket hole I want a darling little Isaan Princess Who don't know shit about cooking                          and is arrogant looking A vicious little Isaan Princess To specifically happen with a pussy that's snappin' All up inside I just want a princess to ride I want a funky little isaan Princess A grinder; a bumper, with a pre-moistened dumper A brazen little isaan Princess With silicon tits, and sand-blasted zits She can even be poor So long as she does it with four on the floor I want a dainty little isaan Princess With a couple of sisters who can raise a few blisters A fragile little Isaan Princess With muscular thighs, who weasels 'n' lies For two or three nights Won't someone send me a princess who bites Won't someone send me a princess who bites Won't someone send me a princess who bites Won't someone send me a princess who bites

I always like to kick off an evenings drinking with a relaxed decent meal somewhere, as I also particularly enjoy people watching, so it was to my absolute pleasure that sitting at the next table was a guy of approximately 55-60 years of age, Swiss or Belgian perhaps, with his consort of the night, who he was obviously trying to impress. To give the guy credit, she was a very sexy looking lady, dressed in skimpy white top and sprayed on jeans, a real Isaan Princess, and undoubtedly a good catch, but he made the mistake of letting her choose a wine from the list, and the little minx immediately went for the most expensive red wine on there, which made him choke on his complimentary prawn crackers, and then when the wine arrived he made a pretentious show of sampling the wine to try and impress, urgh! Actually, that was the second mistake he made, the first was taking her into a decent restaurant in the first place, sorry guys, never take a girl from the bar into a decent eaterie, and conversely never take a ‘good girl’ into a bar environment, unless she specifically requests you do so, the two types of girls/scenarios are like chalk and cheese, everyone in the restaurant will be able to spot she is an ‘entertainment provider’ at 100 paces, and she will feel uncomfortable in the place, and would be much happier tucking into a plate of ‘som tam’ with her mates, so she won’t enjoy the meal that you’ve just spunked a good wedge of cash trying unsuccessfully to impress her with, and she will probably make you stop at a roadside stall on the way home to get some ‘proper’ food. Rant over.

‘it livens up later’

Anyway, checked bin before I could be further amused by the aging lotharios tactics, and because this was a sort of Coyote hunting night (Meep! ,Meep!) we sloped up the Arcade and into Papagayos. This was a successful Coyote Bar style bar from it’s inception a couple of years ago, and last time I was in there, at it’s height of success, it was packed to the gills with attractive hostesses, but last night it was looking fairly forlorn. The concept has been copied and improved upon by several Coyote style joints, and Papagayos has been left behind somewhat, perhaps due to its location? Besides us, there were only three other customers in the place, plus a couple of whom I assume were the owners, slumped over the till watching their investment slowly disappearing in front of their very eyes. All told there were about 15 girls dotted around the bar, inclusive of three girls shuffling around on three corner podiums, but they looked pretty bored with life, on the bright side, the beer was reasonably priced at 80 baht a bottle, and a couple of the girls were quite attractive, and I am sure the owners would say that ‘it livens up later’, as they always do, but to me it looks like a bar that is slowly dying.

Fester's Flaccid Member

Then we took a slight detour in to Soi LK Metro and entered into Champagne A Go-Go, as I wanted to point out both Lolita’s and Hell Club to my drinking partner. I have written about Champagne before, but it was a couple of years ago so I was interested to see what changes had been made. When we walked in I glanced down to the bottom left, and there was what appeared to be a very large LCD screen showing a sort of British soft porn movie involving an Uncle Festus lookalike cavorting naked in a bathtub with two naked Thai girls and a sex toy fashioned out of pipe lagging, it was only when I got closer I realized that it was actually a live spontaneous show. The reason I had assumed it was British soft porn was the fact that no matter how hard the girls were trying to instill some life into Festers flaccid member, it was to no avail, perhaps he needed ‘Thing’ to give him another helping hand? Actually, I do have some sympathy with the guy, sympathy which he later lost incidentally, as public sex is not for everyone, I still have nightmares about being invited to a stag party in Bournemouth when I was still just ‘materialsboy’ and being the chosen victim of two strippers who got me into the middle of the room, disrobed me, played around with me, and then ran off as all the lights came on leaving me alone and naked and limp in front of a circle of twenty or so of my best, but now cackling and sneering mates, not a pleasant experience! So we settled in to watch the action on stage, but also with a morbid and perverse curiosity to view what was happening in the shower behind us.

After we had ordered a couple of Heinekens I noticed an LED display saying ‘buy one get one free on bottled beers between 8-9 p.m.’, sadly we were in there at 9:30, no big deal as I am not a Cheap Charlie, but I thought I should mention it as it is a pretty good deal. As for the girls on stage, a pretty mixed bunch of perhaps twenty five girls ranging from naked to bikini clad, youngish to fairly grizzled old pros, a lot of the girls seemed bizarrely to be wearing a single stocking, what’s that all about? Perhaps Heather Mills McCartney was having a garage sale of her lingerie collection before she moved out of Paul’s place?? In keeping with the Addams family theme, one of the mamasans, quite a big strong lady, appeared to be a cross between Morticia and Grandmama Addams, quite scary! Whilst the other mamasan was really quite a pleasant looking lady, nice body if I may say so, looked damn good in tight jeans. Whilst enjoying my second beer in there, I can report that luckily the two girls in the shower had finally tired of trying to inspire Uncle Festus into more salacious activities, and they had all returned thankfully fully dressed to the main auditorium, unfortunately Uncle Festus had retained the piece of wet pipe lagging and proceeded to act out his BDSM fantasies by incessantly whipping any naked flesh that come into his view, I know that these toys do not hurt anyway near as much as it sounds like when making good contact with flesh, but the constant repetitive sound of him administering a damn good thrashing to the ladies whilst standing directly next to me hastened our exit, before I was obliged to tale the bloody thing off of him and stuff it right where the sun doesn’t shine! On second thoughts, it was a good job I didn’t do so, he probably would have enjoyed it! I must also make a mention of one other guy in there, sadly in a wheelchair with a disability, think of Steven Hawkins, yet he was having an absolute whale of a time, swigging beer and Tequilas, he had one of the best looking girls in there keeping him company, plus the mamasans were taking good care of him, and he had a huge grin on his face, good luck to you mate, after all, isn’t it moments like that that make Pattaya such a special place for us all?

A Cold Fate

Onwards round Soi L.K. Metro, passing by Lolita’s Lollipop Sucking Emporium, we came across another Coyote Bar, named ICE, sadly, there were 4 bored almost comatose dancers in the window, but no customers that we could see, so despite this being a Coyote hunt we decided to give this place a miss too. When is a Coyote not a Coyote? I guess when it’s a sheep dressed up in wolves clothing, by which I mean that the act of simply dressing some plain looking girl up in a pair of sexy shorts and a cropped top and sticking her up on a podium does not automatically make her a Coyote! I know that Coyote Bars are trendy right now, and I believe that similar bars will one day be the Pattaya norm and replace the beer bars, an outdated concept that frankly I feel has had it’s day, but you are not going to make money by simply copying another guys ideas and sitting back waiting for the punters and their money to come rolling in. ICE is situated where the old Gorkles A Go-Go was, which was also pretty much a doomed enterprise, and sadly I feel ICE will shortly be going the same way. Perhaps High Season will come along just in time and save it from a fate worse than death, but I am not holding my breath.

A Warm Sort of Blue

Walking ever onwards through LK Metro, pointing out Club Hell and all the ‘ins and outs’ involved in that place’s entertainment to my buddy, we moved on to the highlight, and main reason for my night out, the Club Blu Coyote Bar on the corner of LK Metro and Soi Boukhao. I know this bar has been open for quite a few months now and has been well received by the public, so well received in fact that allegedly the original owners sold out recently for an astronomical figure of baht, but this was my first opportunity to visit the bar. First impressions? Very impressive actually, the décor works very well, the blue light in principle would appear quite harsh, but in fact it’s a warm sort of blue light that really enhances the place. I think that if I was a wealthy in the Hugh Heffner style, I would definitely have one of the rooms in my mansion modeled after this club, and constantly stocked with pretty girls! I wasn’t too sure about the spiral steel staircase by the door mind, seemed a little rickety for my liking, I suppose that the ‘resting rooms’ are up there, as opposed to the ‘rest rooms’ which are downstairs on floor level, but I wouldn’t fancy traversing those stairs if I was a little bit worse for wear, or physically drained after ‘resting’.

As for the quality of the women, well of course that is always a purely personal viewpoint, one man’s stunner is another mans woofer, there were around 25 ‘ladeez’ present, and I would say that there were a few 9’s amongst them, mostly 7’s or 8’s though, I heard that when it first opened the line up was far more impressive, but as in any similar business in Pattaya, it’s hard to keep your best girls for any long period due to sponsorship, marriage, better offers from other bars etc. Miss ‘M’ was quite a package mind you; I enjoyed her little turn on the podium just inches away from me. I equally enjoyed my time in the bar immensely, the drinks were very reasonable at 70 baht a bottle, the atmosphere was friendly, the clientele were well turned out and smart, and the Tequila Shot girl was to die for, those black 4” stiletto heeled boots coupled with the Stetson hat and skimpy denim shorts, think Daisy Duke and you would be close, was my abiding memory of the place, and she well deserved my first and only 100 baht tip of the night, I shall be back! If I had to make a comparison to the Honey Pot which I thoroughly enjoyed last week, I would say that if you combined the two places, with the décor of Club Blu and the current line up of the Honey Pot, you would have a license to print money, which in actual fact was pretty much what Club Blu was earlier this year. Only bad thing last night, was a ‘bunny boiler’ that made an unscheduled appearance in the bar causing a little bit of a scene with some guy that obviously she considered to be ‘her property’, tears and accusations were flowing, and that was just him! Anyway, it was soon sorted out without too much drama, but I made a mental note that I would remember her face and give her a wide berth in the future.

Liquidity Crisis

Just before I wrap up this portion, I must mention that we looked out of the window directly onto Liquid Lounge, previously The Stereo Music Lounge, which purports to be another Coyote style place, but frankly it is in an entirely lower league to Club Blu, please refer to my comments on ICE above, I don’t see that as a long term prospect either, and I know that the new owner of Club Blu was involved in The Stereo Music Lounge previously, I hope he sold out altogether, never thought I would miss those multicoloured plastic discs on the wall, but I do!

Water Works

Well, again time was marching on, and ‘materialsman’ has to earn a crust doing a proper job, so off we reluctantly went to the last port of call for the evening, Club Oasis A Go-Go in Soi Boukhao. Another first time visitation for me, I have been pretty low profile for a couple of years, and another reason for selecting here was that the large steak and profiteroles were weighing heavily on my err, mind, and as beautifully appointed as the Gentlemen’s toilets in Club Blu were, I saw only urinals in there, so plan B was called for. Again I have heard good reports of this place, but either my own taste in girls is extremely restrictive, or we just picked a bad night, for with one or two exceptions it resembled a bit of an elephant’s graveyard of a Go-Go, plenty of dancers in the bar, but not to my ‘spec’, it resembled a home to the girls that were perhaps a little bit worn at the edges to put it nicely, but each to their own, and things can change on a daily basis, if not an hourly basis in the bars of Sin City.

Coyote phenomenon?

So, what’s my take on the whole Coyote phenomenon? Well, I think it will be around for a while, and when done well, as in the case of Club Blu and The Honey Pot, it is a welcome addition to the Pattaya night life scene, it gives a different dimension to the other types of entertainment available, and that is what makes this town such a great place to live in, variety is the spice of life after all.

Until next time.

materialsman

We started off the evening by having a reasonable meal at one of North Pattaya’s hidden and forgotten gems, The Hippo Restaurant on Soi 2, the fine eaterie attached to the Welkom Inn, or ‘Belgian Embassy’ as it is also known, while we decided on a plan of action. Incidentally, I have noticed that due to the economic meltdown and rising prices, many restaurants have, instead of raising prices, reduced the size of the portion, maybe just me, but I would prefer to have the bigger portions back and pay a little extra! Rant over.

After dining we were a still little early for full on action, so we took a walk around the block and came back up Soi 3, jeez! Where did all those new Beer Bars next to the Welkom Inn spring up from! Anyway, despite their best efforts to drag these two ‘hansum men’ into their pink dimly lit lairs, we fended them off successfully as our first drinking destination was to be The Atlantic Bar on Second Road/Soi 3.

Now, I haven’t been to The Atlantic Bar for a couple or three years, since it’s supposed heyday, but I keep in touch with what’s happening on various Forums, including Thai-Anxiety, and consensus has been that the Atlantic is in decline, and that the few remaining lookers there believe they have ‘pussies spun of the finest and purest gold thread’ and hardly give a punter the time of day. Well, I have to say on entering the bar, I was pleasantly surprised! There were probably 25 girls in attendance, and this was around 21:30, before the ‘superstars’ can be assed to turn up for duty, and there were some very attractive ladies on view, all resplendent in clingy white dresses, or other very tight white clothing. I am not sure if they have a different colour scheme for each night of the week, I will have to go back and check, but the overall effect on Tuesday was quite dazzling! We positioned ourselves in seats between the pool tables and the bar to get a good panoramic view of the lovelies and ordered a couple of bottled Heinekens, which came at a reasonable 70 baht a bottle considering the eye candy, we had a drink in Anna Jet in Soi 7 last week and they charged like a ‘wounded rhinoceros’ for the same libations, with nothing anywhere near as good to look at pulchritude wise. Perhaps true to form we weren’t hassled by the beauties, but I am the sort of guy that is happy to buy lady drinks for any lady I choose to buy for, but don’t enjoy being pressurised into doing so by unwelcome attention. We stayed for a couple more and enjoyed the view, so overall I felt it was still a good place to sit and drink, and feel for sure if you were a regular enough guy and took a little time to get the know the stunners, there would be no problem in negotiating ‘extra curricular’ activities with the hostesses. Good service, reasonable prices, and beautiful ladies, what more could a man ask for?

I felt we had to move on, otherwise we would have whiled away too much time ‘perving’ there, and made the first big mistake of the evening by shuffling along the same complex and taking a seat at The Cherry Bar’. Now, when I approach a bar, my eyesight is not what it was, *note to Mother, you were right; it did make me go blind!

Consequently I will always take a seat and order a beer no matter what, rather than turn tail and flee if the bar is full of dragons, first impressions can be deceiving, and there could be hidden gems just out of line of sight. However, on this occasion first impressions were 100% correct, and the bar was staffed with some pretty ordinary girls. Now, the reason for picking The Cherry Bar was that it was owned by one of my all time favourite ex-TQ1 dancers, Khun Tom and her equally lovely sister, and used to be staffed by a fairly attractive young crowd of girls, sadly no longer! I don’t know if they sold out the bar or not, but I realised my error of choice, drank my bottle as fast as I could, and check binned even though it was my mates turn to pay, never looked or cared about the prices, just wanted away in a hurry!

Well, time was moving on apace, so it was time for a trip down memory lane and The Classroom 2 A Go-Go in Soi 2 where I have had many a happy time over the years. Walked in to a fairly quiet establishment, but the line up was pretty reasonable, and a lithe lovely soaping herself in a Jacuzzi type bath. Actually, I wondered to myself after watching her soap herself squeaky clean for over an hour, ‘If I paid the bar for her, would she come back to ‘my loom’ and insist on another shower, if so, why?’

Well, we enjoyed the schoolgirl clad dancers, when suddenly the music changed and the good lookers ran off stage and the ‘showgirls’ appeared. When did Classroom2 become a ‘bells and whistles’ pussy show bar? So, we sat through a couple of shows, including ‘pussy smoke cigarette’ show, which took me by surprise as I thought smoking was banned in air conditioned bars? Smoking was definitely bad for this particular girl’s health, as she appeared to be smoking two or three at a time! Thankfully, this show wasn’t too long, as whatever hidden talents this girl obviously has, being slim and a looker wasn’t amongst them. The bar had started to fill up by then, a party of bemused looking Asians, and a gang of loud Aussie back-backers had come in off the street, but that was the pattern of events, a couple of songs for the dancing girls, then show time again. To my eternal shame, one of the mamasans identified me as being an old time Pattaya monger, and roped me in for a bit of audience participation due to lack of interest from the other attendees, so yours truly got pushed up on stage for both the ‘pussy shoots darts at balloon’ show, and the ‘pussy fires bananas’ show, which culminated in the last banana being fired out after I had retaken my seat and wasn’t ready for it leaving me with a couple of nasty looking white sticky stains to both my shirt and trousers, much to the amusement of my drinking buddy. Drinks I think were a strangely priced 106 baht a bottle, which I guess is okay considering the show, but a little pressure for ‘tips’ was prevalent after each extravaganza, though I tried to protest that I should actually receive my share of the tips for my ‘performance’, but to no avail. I don’t begrudge the poor girl her tips, she probably doesn’t get much in the way of bar fines. So off we went out of the door, and the girl in the Jacuzzi was still soaping herself up, trying to find and cleanse body orifices she had previously missed. Overall the place was okay, but I preferred the old style of purely dancing girls, don’t need to see the pussy shows as I am a jaded ex-pat, but it may suit some.

Next, on to the highlight of the evening, which luckily is right next door to Classroom 2 and under the same management, The Honeypot Club and Coyote Bar. Now, this was my very first visit to this establishment, and I don’t want to get into a debate about the old Coyote vs Go-Go Girls thing, I know the Pattaya A Go-Go purists don’t like them, indeed ‘mein host’ at Thai-Anxiety is not a lover of the Coyote style, but I have to say I was very, very impressed with the line up of beauty here, all resplendent in skimpy white attire, which confirmed my suspicions from The Atlantic Bar that ‘White is indeed this years Black’ and in particular number #92, which gave me an ‘Apocalypse Now’ moment, you know the lines,"Sell the house. Sell the car. Sell the kids. Find someone else. Forget it. I'm never coming back. Forget it." What an absolute darling! Wearing a miniscule pair of white shorts, a cropped white top with a black bra showing through revealing a fair old cleavage, long curly hair and the face of an Angel! I was in love big time, but I had to think, is it the skimpy clothing that makes her stand out? Would I have been so smitten had she been wearing a bikini, or even naked? This is where we came in, regards the Coyote look, personally I like it, it makes a change of pace and the skimpy clothing adds a little mystery for me, even though there isn’t much of it. I have been in Secrets a couple of times, one of the original Coyote dancing establishments along with the Casino Club, and as much as I enjoy contributing to their Forum, I find the place awfully ‘cliquey’ and not over friendly to those punters not in the ‘gang’, but I have to say The Honeypot made us feel very welcome, giving us two of the best seats right near the window and right near the dancing podium, I felt like a kid in a candy store! And what of my delectable number #92 Goddess? Well, of course she never gave me the time of day, but I handle rejection well, and will be back to try another day.

That’s another viewpoint of the whole Coyote/Superstar phenomenon, people say the girls have a ‘my shit don’t stink’ attitude towards the punters, way too busy counting their ‘sponsors’ money every month to actually bother putting themselves out and actually go off with a guy, well, I say good luck to them, the life of a dancer is short and full of dangerous pit holes, so let them make hay (baht) while the sun shines (while they have their looks). I will be back to take another look at the place, and especially number #92, I do so enjoy a challenge!

Overall, this place rocks! Well not exactly ‘Rocks’, as they have the unusual concept for this kind of bar, of having a live band playing sort of cod-rock, easy listing type stuff, I kept expecting Hotel California any moment, but bizarrely it seems to work fine, all the girls seem happy enough, the staff were friendly, (except #92, probably just shy!) and drinks reasonable. I am going to take another look next week at the comparable Club Blu in Soi Boukhao before I judge the whole Coyote thing, but for now I think it’s a winning concept, but my judgment could be clouded by my schoolboy crush!. The only reason we left was that on the next table, a large American chap fired up an equally large stogie, which put a damper on my enjoyment, so much for the supposed ban on smoking inside air conditioned venues, like all Pattaya ‘crackdowns’ it has quickly turned to dust, (Or at least ash!)

The night for me was coming to a close, I had a warm fuzzy feeling due to both the alcohol and the memory of very attractive girls I had laid eyes on that night, but before ‘stumps up’ decided that one more beer wouldn’t go amiss, so we stumbled off to the Saigon Girl bar in Soi 6. I have a hazy recollection of being in this bar last Thursday, and remember being captivated by the red uniforms and little red hats all the girls were wearing, and so it was! The bar has a sort of confused Saigon theme, posters of The Deer Hunter, and a mural of the poster of the sunset from Apocalypse Now on one wall, as well as many posters of various big hairy motorcycles, perhaps the owner is some sort of grizzled Harley Davidson riding Vietnam Vet? The girls are not the prettiest in the Soi, but they make up for that with their rare enthusiasm for their work, and the uniform works for me, you probably think I am some kind of uniform obsessed pervert right? Probably 100% spot on! So, two drinks later, and a couple of lady drinks nestled in the bins, it was time for me to mosey on home, but as I stand up and take one last look around before diving through the curtain, I see my drinking buddy on a sofa with two cuddly girls, one either side of him, massaging his privates for all they are worth, dressed in those pretty red uniforms, and still wearing the hats, a lovely memory, a Kodak moment indeed, ain’t life in Pattaya grand!

The UK's Daily Mail carried a story pointing the finger at anti-fun nutters for burning down a lap dancing bar. The story was illustrated with a picture of Club Redd's alluring spinners. It surely doesn't make me very homesick for Farangland's nightlife

A lap-dancing club in Burgess Hill, West Sussex, has been destroyed in a massive blaze - just three weeks after it opened amid fierce opposition.

Police are investigating the possibility that it was burnt down by someone angry at the decision to launch Club Redd.

Speaking outside the still-smouldering shell today, manager Leo Valls said he was absolutely convinced the fire had been started deliberately. He said: Myself and my fellow owners had been subjected to vicious, abusive, vitriolic attacks on an internet site we set up to promote the club. We also received very unpleasant threats. I have no doubt that this was done by someone who hated the thought of a lapdancing club in Burgess Hill. But we will not let them beat us. We will rebuild and reopen as soon as possible.

OK, it's time for little game we play here on the highways and by-ways of Thailand.

It's called find the traffic light....


They just opened a new roadway that intersects the main road that we live on.
Find the traffic light that controls that intersection.

I was enjoying a beer in a gogo and I spotted a girl with a bandaged knee and foot. I asked my drinking companion whether this was down to the inevitable motorbike accident.

My girl replied: yes...and pointing to her own knee she said: just like this one.

Why don't Thai motorcyclists wear knee pads I wonder...Looking at the girls knees in the gogos the chance of injury seem awfully high.

If I see a girl without a scar, I immediately assume that she simply doesn't own a bike.

Girly Berry Making a point of not wearing spaghetti strap tops

Wearing skimpy outfits at a Songkran event may lead to the popular girl band Girly Berry being stripped of their role as the respectable young face of the Culture Ministry.

Culture Minister Anusorn Wongwan expressed disappointment with the teenage girl band yesterday and threatened to ''blacklist'' them.

The band, known for their revealing stage outfits and audacious dancing, were chosen to front the ministry's campaign for girls to dress modestly during the Songkran festival.

They were paraded in traditional Thai costumes and posed for photographs as the campaign became the talk of the town with mixed reactions.

But on Songkran day they again turned out in revealing tops and hot pants while performing amid the water-splashing chaos on Khao San road.

Anusorn said he had instructed ministry officials to find out why the entertainers chose such inappropriate outfits. The ministry would have to be more cautious with its choices next year, he added.

Anusorn said the band's agent, RS Promotion, had initially contacted the ministry, suggesting the girls be presenters for the cover-up-for-Songkran campaign.

The ministry considers tank tops and miniskirts too sexually arousing when soaked in water: 'The campaign had its time [only during the Songkran festival], said spokeswoman Nusra Kongsujarit. The band had offered their services free to the ministry and the girls had to live a normal life.

This was about April, 1994 before terrorism overtook the serene, happy Songkran celebrations ...

At a friend's restaurant we were greeted gently with water poured over our hands and lightly dabbed on our cheeks with talc/water.

I got a free plate of stir-fried chicken feet to go with my beer Singha.

The table was littered with bottles. It was a nice party but I wondered how to get rid of the feet without offending anyone.

I slipped them shank down into a bottle on the table (they won't go in claws downwards).

After a few minutes I was horrified to see the complimentary 3/4 full wine bottle used to fill up everyone's wine glasses, - complete with 1 chicken foot per glass. No-one said anything contrary, but I noticed a few chicken's feet going over the wall and/or into empty (?) wine bottles.

The Public Health Ministry have appointed Wan Yoobamrung "Mr Happy Toilet" to promote a campaign for clean public toilets.

I dreamt when I was a child that if I ever worked here at the Public Health Ministry I would make all the toilets in the country flush toilets, Wan says.

In a later interview Wan's father 'Khun Somchai Yoobamrung' was quoted as saying, I have great pride in my son to have achieved this high office in the Public Health Ministry, he really has studied hard since he was a small boy to understand all aspects of environmental health and the production of western style flushing toilets. Even when he was 5 years old he would explore the family factories where we make several designs of flushing toilets.

This was about 1984 ....

You know Best Supermarket at the Dolphin Roundabout? Well, it wasn't there. On the opposite side of North Road was a huge green field.

There were about 15 ponies, a tin shack and a guy you could rent pony rides from @ 30 Baht per hour per pony.

I paid Sri's 50 Baht bar fine and rented 2 ponies for one hour. As she had never sat on anything but a bar stool before, I told her to squeeze her legs together and hold firmly on the pony's mane. I took her pony's reins and we walked, trotted and finally cantered a little.

The outing was a big mistake on my part as she was totally knackered for two weeks of our holiday - willy nilly, as they say.

I vowed never to get saddled with a Thai lady again.

Women who perform the act of fellatio on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40%, a North Carolina State University study found.

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act, said Dr. B.J. Sooner of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurrence of breast cancer in women.

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

Only with regular performance will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine, said Dr. Inserta Shafteer, one of the researchers at the University. Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances.

The study is reported in the Journal of Medical Research.

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute.

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings.

This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases, Lictepeen said.

Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly.

There's definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages, he said.

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers.

The research consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not. The group of women who had performed fellatio had a breast cancer rate of 1.9% and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4%

The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio, Shafteer said: It's a cause, not THE cause.

Spotted in the Immigration One Stop Shop

Perhaps it should read: Please dress in a formal manner and don't forget the whitening cream.

Presumably the bias in favour of light skins is down to the fact that rich people can avoid working in the sun whilst labourers can't.

Thanks to Barry:

I had to pay a visit to immigration last week. For the benefit of Thai-Anxiety readers I would mention that the sign-writer shop at the corner of Pratumnak & Thappraya charges only 60 Baht for painting a green Nike logo across your shirt and tie.